Dear early 2014,

Next year, David Bowie will be diagnosed with liver cancer. A year and a half later, it will kill him. It is absolutely imperative that it be found and treated earlier than that, when it hasn’t metastasized yet. Get him diagnosed and treated now. The future of the planet depends on it.

Also, apropos of nothing in particular, here is a bunch of evidence that Donald Trump, the reality show guy who posted all that racist “birther” crap about President Obama, is a tax cheat and a scam artist, and works for Vladimir Putin. Get the IRS on his ass.

Good luck, and may your timeline work out better than ours has.

That’s because he’s a diplomat. Rutte is no friend of Russia or Russian proxies (like the bronzed turd).

NATO will do exactly nothing to help the bloated orange shit-weasel take over Greenland.

Is… is that real? Is this really the world I live in?